frankhagan.com

Jan had shamed me into finally having the colonoscopy that I had been delaying for several years, so I made an appointment with a gastro-indo-doctor that my family practitioner recommended. Dr. Jack Rotoberg (German for “Roto-Rooter”) was a nice enough guy to all appearances. Because of my history of acid-reflux, he recommended a “two-fer”, where they do an “endoscope” (a device that, despite the name, actually goes in your MOUTH, not your “endo”) as well as the colonoscopy, which is named appropriately and, I made sure, an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT INSTRUMENT THAN THE ENDO INSTRUMENT. Not wanting to pass up a bargin, I of course agreed, especially when he said I would be out for the entire process, and the ENDO procedure would be done first just in case there’s a mix up of tools. I later learned that “out for the entire process” is a relative phrase.

The prep, everyone says, is worse than the event, but it wasn’t that bad. No food for a day and a half and massive amounts of laxatives resemble the normal Hollywood starlet diet plan. Monday afternoon I was ready for my closeup.

After disrobing entirely except for my socks … they said “you can leave your socks on” (is that a song?) … I donned the open-backed robe and jumped up on the gurney. The nurses were having a contest to see who could insert an IV the fastest (my nurse won, and was named “One Stick” for the day). Wheeled off to the “procedure room”, I was wired to a monitor where I could see my respirations or heartrate steady at 74, another one of those at 68, my blood pressure at an acceptable 154 / 82 and my blood oxygen at 100%. How nice that they have your vitals right up there where you can see if you’re going to kick any one of those buckets. Except that when the CUTE nurse walked in and the numbers jumped slightly, I quickly started thinking about Congress to try and get them back to the normal range.

Dr. Jack came in and injected the “you’ll be out for the procedure” medicine into the IV port, and evidently did the ENDO procedure. I woke up to a riveting science fiction film on the monitor, where I was rushing down the corridors of a Romulan War Bird spaceship, complete with its trapazoidal support beams spaced evenly along the walls. “War Bird?” I muttered and then said “Oh, we’re live.”

The nurse said “Mr. Hagan?” and I said “why does this remind me of Congress?” Dr. Jack laughed and the nurse, who evidently was not the pretty one, said “Should I get the anesthesiologist?”. Dr. Jack responded that it would not be necessary, as they were “turning the corner now” (there are corners?) and we were “almost rounding home” (there’s a home base?)

There was a polyp, evidently the whole reason for the quest, which for gastro-endo doctor types is like the little jewel thing that you get in video games that gives you extra points. Dr. Jack exclaimed “Polyp!” and the nurse said “I see it!” and I said “looks like a uvela” (that little punching bag thing that hangs down in your mouth). I think that’s what I said, but they both laughed, and I didn’t think I said anything funny. Deploying something that looked suspiciously like that hoop on a pole thing the dog catchers use … just how much stuff is up in there, anyway? … Dr. Jack removed the polyp, but I was disappointed to see that there wasn’t a little “100″ high score balloon or a special chime sound. There was just a small puff of smoke, which reminds me of the saying … well, never mind.

Soon, I was wheeled out and sent to a bathroom where, I was assured by the nurses, I could do all the normal things people are allowed to do in bathrooms. Jan was brought into the recovery room at that time, and I could hear one of the nurses say to her “Your husband is in the bathroom” to which Jan replied, “I recognize the call”. Its nice to be recognized for something, anyway.

After some explanation of how I did, which I remember this way “Blah, blah, blah endo normal biopsy blah, blah, colonoscopy polyp Congress, blah, Barney Frank, blah, blah”, they let Jan lead me out to the car for the ride home. “Did she say ‘Barney Frank’ in there?” and Jan told me to get into the car. I told her I could drive home and she said yes, you are doing fine, get in the car. Seeing an opportunity for humor, I opened the door and got in the car with my head on the seat, my butt up in the air, and waited what seemed like a long time for Jan to notice. She did, and instructed me to please sit in the car in a normal manner or she would call Barney Frank.

Barney Frank?

Family, humor

Fresh from the Washington Post comes the news that, guess what, the so-called “Stimulus Package” will not work:

Less than half the money dedicated to highways, school construction and other infrastructure projects in a massive economic stimulus package unveiled by House Democrats is likely to be spent within the next two years, according to congressional budget analysts, meaning most of the spending would come too late to lift the nation out of recession.

The story does say that the aspects of the pending legislation … $275 billion in tax cuts and nearly $200 billion for jobless benefits, health care for the poor and other entitlement programs … will be as “immediate” as any government program will be.

None of this gets to the root of the problem, a credit crisis that has stymied business and scared consumers. Banks, facing an immediate write down of any new loans they write because of accounting rules, are still hesitant to lend. Until that problem can be solved, the credit crisis will continue. Whether or not we spend billions in 2012 on monuments to our legislators (er, I mean “infrastructure”).

Politics

Today, I’m proud to be an American.

Like many, I marvel at the transition of power without bloodshed. I am astounded at the sense of camaraderie and shared purpose. I am proud that America has once again demonstrated that it can rise above any problem and overcome any fear, prejudice or hatred.

This happens every four years.

There are no losers on Inauguration Day, except perhaps for those that boo the departing or incoming President. Bile has eaten up their pride and sense of wonder, and they miss the most important aspect of our American experience.

I am happy many are experiencing this pride for the first time. May they come to understand that the pride is independent of the winner or loser. I am happy for the school children witnessing history first hand and who will have fond remembrances of the first stirring of American pride in their hearts. This is the good stuff.

I don’t question the wisdom of the American people, or of our system. I don’t agree with the choice the wise, thoughtful, wonderful Americans have made. But the genius of the American system is that it is larger than me, smarter than me, and will soon correct any mistakes that it makes.

I will not denigrate my country, or announce that I will leave it. I will not vilify its leaders, even though I may disagree with them. I will not seek to destroy or minimize the country’s influence for political gain.

Today, I am proud to be an American. Join me in feeling that pride every day.

Politics

The “American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009″, commonly called the “stimulus bill”, is online at Read the Stimulus. It is full of old fashioned pork, festooned with thousands of “worthy projects” that could never get funding before our insistence that we “act now”.

Many Americans support the idea of building infrastructure, lasting, permanent “stuff” that will at least show some return on the dollars spent. But, as conservatives such as Hugh Hewitt have noted, the bill is bursting at the seams with expenditures that won’t create or save a single job (but will reward various special interest groups). Search for “education grants” at Read the Stimulus and see if you can pick out the expenditures that will leave us … the taxpayers … with anything after the money is spent.

Politics

Mark Twain is said to have commented that “Reports of my death are greatly exaggerated”. Republicans have to be thinking the same thing as they see the nightly obituaries on the main stream media’s newscasts.

Whenever a party’s fortunes fall out of favor, the media writes about the demise of the party. A more rational view is to look through the long lens of history, and you see a more moderate view that America, in its genius, balances power between its major political parties.

In my life (I’m 52), the Executive branch has been ruled by about the same time by each party. For 20 year old college voters, their recent political memory is filled only with an unpopular Republican President; they were 12 when he took office. But looking through that longer lens, a 20 year old will see that same 50/50 split between the parties in the Executive branch.

They also see a domination in the Legislative branch by Republicans that only amuses me; in my life, the Democratic party has held more legislative sway by far. But the genius of America will reveal to them, in the next few years, why legislative power should also not rest in the hands of a single party.

Politics