The Real Truth About Health
Having had 2 of my wisdom teeth pulled today, I decided to ask my doctor some of the questions that have been troubling me. Now, I’m sure the anesthesia has already worn off, but I swear this is what I thought I heard:
- I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
- Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… Don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
- Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
- You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
- Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
- No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain.
Bottoms up!
- How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
- Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies your ratio is two to one, etc.
- What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
- Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!
- Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
- YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!!
…. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
- Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
- Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
- Is chocolate bad for me?
- Are you crazy? HELLO! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!
- Is swimming good for your figure?
- If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
- Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
- Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!
It looks like my health plan is right on target!
Note for the humorously challenged: the foregoing is a considered humor by normal human beings but whales, broccoli, and health nuts may find it offensive. The health-paranoid may even find it shocking and irresponsible, as people may come to my blog for health information and follow the precepts above based on my recommendation, shortening their lives, and making me culpable in their bad-health murder. But I have an out; I plagiarized the list from an anonymous email author who died a sudden death from exercising too hard. So there.
